Fugg Yew

He was fidgeting with the edges of his lungi; distraught,
"Whai avent ai been writtan abaout fowr ovarr five manths?" he thought.
Appu had been sensing the worst for quite a while now,
he felt like breaking the fourth wall, but how?

His creator had always poured his own memories into Appu,
weird, vivid thoughts and even the water drops "tappu, tappu"
"Iss it ae writar's blok or dass he nowt laik mi anymor?" he mused.
"Nothing of the sort my good lad" said a voice in his head, amused.

"Woah mai goat!" Appu jumped up, startling himself,
So much that he even knocked over the oak bookshelf.
"Kan too many Dosas make wone delusional?" he thought hard,
"You're being idiotic, you belong in the psychiatric ward."

"Show yewarself iff yew dare" he shouted, spit flying,
"If you want to see me, you'll have to stop implying."
"Dond use sach werds, you boogworm, ai thing I know yew"
"Well then who am I, Appu? Blue blue, chaddi flew?"

"Stoopid jowkes, wonly for tha rhyme schemes!"
"If my jokes are stupid then so are you, it seems"
"Enaff! Yew caant gow on laik thiss fowrevar, yew know!"
"I know a lot of things Appu, but its me you don't know"

Eyes frantically hunting the source, Appu searched,
"Wheyar iss the aaashowl?" he said, wincing a little,
as this was the first time he had cursed.

"If you calm down, I'll show myself to you..."
Appu took a deep breath & sat down, reaching for a dosa.
"Now finish that dosa and I'll give you a clue."

Wolfing it down, Appu sat up. On his face was a glow.
"Khamon naow, tell me how ai khan seee yew!!"
"Alright, get up and walk to that window.

"Ai've reached tha vindow, naow whaat?"
"Turn to your left, look into the mirror"
"Dond play with mee, on yewar faice ai vill faart"

"Oh you wont like it any more than I would"
"Vee shall see aboud thaat, naow wheyar aar yew?"
"Look into the mirror, make sure your eyes are glued"

Staring into the mirror, Appu was slackjawed at what he saw,
He could see himself, but it was a different Appu.
He looked better than himself "Vaat maajig is thiss, haw!"

"Whoo aar yew and vaad is thiss gayime yew are playink?"
"I'm you're future, Appu. I'm you, all grown up."
"Reaally? Ai will loog so goot ven ai am done vith tha growing?"

"Hahahaha, no! I'm your alter ego, I was just messing with you.."
"You've gone bonkers, you need a shrink now, buddy"
"No wan tells mi vaad ai shud doo. So thangs, but fugg yew."

Thanda, thanda; cool, fool.

Appu had heard a lot about a seductive city,
Where life was great and the girls were pretty.

As much as he loved his village and its people,
He was bored of the life there; t’was too simple.

The village elders came to know of his wanderlust,
They warned him “dond go, theyar ees a lot of dust.”

Appu was in a fix, what should he do?
Mumbai beckoned, so he tied his shoe.

As he boarded the train, he wove a few dreams,
Of renewing his life, as a taster of ice creams.

For he was armed with an impression that he was a gem,
since people rarely see themselves the way others see them.

With hope and yearning in his heart he stepped off the train,
Right into dog shit, which he had to clean with a lot of pain.

“This ees nott a goodd omenn,” it occurred to him,
as he bumped into a porter, who looked very grim.

“Tujhya aaichi…kaay re, disat nahi ka tula” bellowed the man,
“I dond speek Telugu” said Appu, tripping on a dustpan.

Unintelligible cuss words filled the air,
as the porter pulled at Appu’s hair.

Tempers here are unnaturally high,
Is this really the city of Mumbai?

Appu’s question plagued his thought,
even as the portly porter fought.

As sweat poured down the man’s face, Appu theorized.
It’s the goddam heat that’s the culprit, he surmised.

“Whai do they wear sowmany clowthes in this weather!”
For he knew that if the body is cool, the mind is clearer.

“Arre tu itna shaant kaisa ho sakta hai re!” said the porter, wiping away droplets,
Appu countered “Ai wear a lungi, theyar is always a breeze around mai privates.”

Blaak Maagik

Appukuttan was tense, his mood was morose.
He couldn't lay a finger on the reason,
was it a severe lack of glucose?

"Maibee itt ees tha heet..", was his notion.
Tying and untying his lungi he pondered,
what if it’s the local beauty's love potion?

Famed for her looks, she’d set off many a brawl.
Eyes lined heavily with kohl,
She had even caused the local MLA's downfall.
 
Could it be true, could it be so, pray tell?
"dass shee laik mee sow mach?" he reflected,
But she dabbles in black magic!! Thus rung his bell.
 
Stories of her being a witch were dime a dozen.
Her allure was far too much to resist,
Hell, she didn't even spare her cousin.

Appu's restlessness grew by the day.
Her curvy gait played through his mind,
Would she be his? Was there a way?

He ran out of nails to chew and knuckles to crack.
Why is this woman causing so much strife,
Life was much better without love, now its offtrack!
 
Appu made up his mind to ask her out.
“Iff shee vaants to refewse, she can”,
He was fed up of being a washout.

He carved a rose out of wood, for her.
Rose in hand he walked into her home,
Only to be appalled by what he saw in her chamber.
 
There on the bed with his lady love.
Laughing and throwing pillows,
t’was his school teacher, wearing a glove.
 
“Sarr!!! How kut yew doo thiss too me?” he blurted.
The teacher was confounded; suddenly the spell broke,
Throwing the glove at Appu, the teacher scooted.
 
“Whai did yew meddle in mai affayar?” she screamed.
With a swift wave of her hand, she mouthed something weird,
and as Appu wore the glove, enchanted, she beamed.

Appukuttan : Fright Night

Appu was never one with a strong heart,
bumps in the night would wake him with a start.
"Hoo ees it? Vaat ees it?" he would shout out,
off the bed he would jump, arms flailing about.
Back at the lodge he'd heard many a story,
some were spooky, the others plain gory.
Tales about killings, suicides and unexplained happenings,
these were what kept Appu occupied, on chilly evenings.
Shivers running down his spine were a regular occurrence,
he was beginning to consider them quite a nuisance.
One day there came the Bakshi family from North India,
they had a pretty little daughter, who liked to sport a bindiya.
Appu liked to be around them a lot,
serving them eatables, beverages and what not.
Now the old man of the family was quite a handful,
he sprayed food on Appu, when he spoke with his mouth full.
"Nevarrr mayind, nevarrr mayind.." although he would say,
in his mind he'd want the old geezer dead in an alleyway.
Mr Bakshi's lack of etiquette he would tend to gladly overlook,
for the man's tales were rivetting, as though right out of a book.
One evening Mr. Bakshi spoke of a lady,
"She'd be dressed in white, looking very needy..."
"she lures young men to their deaths, we call her a chudail..."
Appu opined "Vee koll her a 'yakshi', she haas a terrible wail..."
That night he couldn't sleep out of fear,
at every toss and turn, her cry he would hear.
Suddenly there were footsteps in the dead of night,
Appu almost peed in his lungi, out of sheer fright.
Looking out the window, he saw a woman wearing white,
"Aiyyooo, someone saave meeeee, it ees so late in the naight!!"
Running at top speed with his lungi in tow,
He ran into the manager, who stood with arms akimbo.
"Vaat ees all this raacket, Appu? Stop yellling laike a paansee"
"Saar, theyar eees a 'yakshi' outside, why don't you go see?"
"Yew foool!" the manager screamed "thats no yakshi.."
"it's only the poor sleepwalking Mrs. Bakshi"

Appukuttan : The Initiation

Appu was heading to a shop, walking down the street,
when he heard sounds that were everything but discreet.
Although his first thought was "Gawd, vaat a racket!",
he started missing them even as he reached the market.
He slipped into a daze, captured by the memory,
and as days rolled by, his mind was in a flurry.
Appu couldn't get those enchanting sounds out of his head,
the thought of not hearing them again filled him with dread.
He went around asking the well-read elders,
even the wise old men, who sat on boulders.
No one in the village could comprehend his descriptions,
even the learned doctor gave him naught but prescriptions.
Appu headed back home, dejected and downcast,
when he heard the sounds again, played at full blast.
They were coming out the window of a house coloured red,
forgetting his trajectory, he went straight there instead.
As he crossed the threshold, he was filled with strange foreboding,
the sounds got louder, the walls flaunted pictures, brooding.
When the sounds washed over him, Appu was no longer coy,
tears welled in his eyes and his heart leaped with joy.
On the couch sat a man with greying hair, guitar in hand,
"Whaat is this diviyine sound? It makes yeverything else seem bland!"
Hearing Appus's question the man turned around slow,
he had a strange vibe, and his eyes seemed to glow.
The man mouthed his answer and it rocked Appu to his soul,
He said "God bless you son, you've discovered Rock-n-roll."

For the love of Lungis

The years rolled by, and one year in May,
Appukuttan turned 18 and said "Woah, hey!"
It was as if he'd been granted a fabulous boon,
heck, if he were a wolf, he'd howl at the moon.
The joy of having turned legal made him blind,
he didn't even notice the cow, licking his behind.
Then it struck him, he didn't have to do it anymore,
he'd stop wearing knickers now, there were Lungis galore!
No more squirming, trapped within close confines,
having to walk around as if avoiding land mines.
He pranced down to the market place with his savings,
and bought himself many Lungis, to satisfy his cravings.
Appu decided to give the Lungis a trial run,
and check if wearing them was indeed fun.
So he chose a bright red Lungi and wore it to bed,
with thoughts of envious stares swimming in his head.
"Ai shaal bee the bast drassed boi in town.." he dreamed,
and as the crickets and cicadas looked on, he beamed.
When he opened his eyes, it was early morning,
the mist was still there and the buds were blooming.
Appu rubbed his eyes and sat up on the cot, blinking,
next to the cowshed he slept, where it wasn't stinking.
He saw the milkman staring at him, eyes open wide,
"Vaat ees it?" said Appu, legs hanging over the side.
When he solved his own query, it was too late,
his Lungi was missing, this he couldn't tolerate!
He looked around and saw the cow chewing with glee,
"So cows eet Lungis? Whai didn't yanyone tell me!"

The Curious Case of Appukuttan

Deep down south, people speak of an intriguing lore,
of a strange object that had once washed ashore.
It passed many hands, attracting bewitched stares,
many came to see it, some even in wheelchairs.
None could make head or tail, "Vaat ees it?"
"Vee don no" everyone would gradually admit.
The people took care of it , thinking it to be holy,
but later one night, they realised their folly.
On a stormy night, as the object rested under a tree,
the local drunkard saw it glow, as he made his entry.
All the booze in his tummy evaporated,
"aiyyo, mai gawd!" he said and scooted.
The townspeople knew they had to take a stand,
before this unholy thing got out of hand.
"bern it, brake it, shaik it, bake it!" they said,
fear of the unknown was in their head.
They tossed it back into the river after a long discussion,
and heaved a sigh of relief after completing the mission.
The object floated around for quite some time,
then it reached a house, stopped by fate sublime.
Appukuttan sat on the porch, wolfing down some mutton,
the object caught his eye and he screamed
"there's mai glow-in-the-dark button!"

Appukuttan in Lavv

"Roll nambar eyitt?" the class teacher screams,
as Appukuttan looks out the window, at larger schemes.
"Khamon kyuck, bois, whoo ees roll nambar eyitt?"
but Appukuttan just stares, spellbound by Lakshmi's gait.
As a classmate prompts his name to the teacher,
he snaps back to reality, oh what a blunder!
 "Skaoundral!! vaat aar yew lookink att? Some pritti gerl, ai am shuwar!"
Appu is rendered speechless, but he knows that his love is pure.
"Misss, ai..am..o..aa..ai vaas lookink aat...Lekshmi" he muttered,
even as the realisation dawned, he was about to be hammered.
"Whoo ees thiss Lekshmi, ay?" asked she, looking out the window,
where she saw nothing but a big black crow.
"Wheyar ees she? Ai see onlee a kro" she bellowed,
"Misss, look undarr the kro" said Appu, sounding harrowed.
The teacher fainted as she finally saw some movement,
there stood Lakshmi, the temple elephant.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

Long ago in China, there was a frog named Tak Lu. He was running low on self esteem as he considered himself bald and unattractive. So Tak Lu fashioned himself a wig. He looked at his reflection and was thrilled to bits. His friends in the pond started giving him more respect, for they had never seen any hair on a frog, let alone a head full of it. One day, as he was enjoying the twilight hours, a princess approached the pond. Tak Lu was excited, for he was familiar with the tale of the princess who kissed a frog, turning it into a handsome prince...with a head full of luscious hair! He started croaking till kingdom come, to grab her eye. He was sure of being chosen, for he was like no other. The princess saw him, and her eyes widened. Tak Lu was certainly a sight to behold. He was bouncing up and down with excitement and anticipation, on his lotus leaf seat. She approached him, not once breaking eye contact. She was mesmerised. Walking upto him, she bent down to his level. Tak Lu closed his eyes and puckered his lips for her deep, passionate smooch. The princess gaped at Tak Lu and said (in Cantonese, originally) "Saala, yeh maindak toh ekdum Rakesh Roshan dikhta hai."

Being Appukuttan

A series of limericks about Appukuttan, the eccentric, cranky, moody, yet lovable Mallu. Stay tuned for more! And yes, feedback will be much appreciated! :-)


There was a man whose accent was funny,
but everyone thought he was being phoney.
When people did him favours he said "dhangyew",
but they would ask him "are you chewing cashew?"
He thought of himself as being very "simble",
but he always made others start to grumble.
One day when he saw coconuts swaying hallu hallu,
he realised; its alright,
he was seeing life through the eyes of a mallu.
_____________________________________________

Appukuttan roamed the fields all day,
in his chequered lungi, rolling in mounds of hay.
On days when the Sun was exceptionally kind,
he danced as if he was out of his mind.
There was a tourist from Mumbai who came to visit,
seeing Appukuttan dance he said, "Oh, a tribal dance, is it?"
Enraged, he showed the tourist his pirouette,
but it drew a lot of laughs, for his lungi was wet.
Appukuttan was downcast, for he thought he was Marilyn Monroe,
the tourist said, "Oh come on, I was just kidding, bro."
_____________________________________________

A steaming cup of tea in the morning,
is what makes Appukuttan stop yawning.
It works well for everyone, he thought,
and it was because of this that he fought.
He had a job that gave him a lot of joy,
there was a lodge where he was a room boy.
When a white sahib ordered his morning fix,
Appukuttan brought him his own preferred mix.
Seeing the sahib seethe, he asked "are you not haaapi?"
the sahib said "@#%^ you, I had ordered kaapi!"